My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
You Might Also Like
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.