My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
*seductively eats two tums*
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.