My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
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When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
Sing it!
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to