Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?

Her: No!

Me: Awww, cmon!

Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.

OMG you guys!! I have abs

.

.

.

.

.

.

…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.

T: You need a break
M: Yes.

T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?

T: Hell no.

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

Friend: Do you know karate?

Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.

The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly

Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…

Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?

Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado

Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.

[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.

It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Going to look at the small picture for a while. Tired of seeing the big picture. Too much picture.

I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.

[driving on the highway]

My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.

Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?

Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌