My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
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Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Me irl
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey