Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?

Me: Yes!

Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?

Me: Yes!

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”

Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.

Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.

How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now

“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz

Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.

i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.

I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”

Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…

The “research” scene in every horror movie

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.

Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

The body is 70% water..

So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..

“get a dog” they said

“it’ll be fun” they said

yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard

BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.

Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?

BFF: I hate you.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.