Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending

If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long

I am a man, a man with a cold, so I guess this is goodbye.

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

sometimes i miss this memes

10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.

12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.

2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.

4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.

6am: If I FML

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan