Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.
My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts
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“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.
I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
Please step out of the oven.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.