@sexncake

My favourite mythical creature is the happy woman in the tampon adverts

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@realHamOnWry

Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.

@Cpt_Burnout

“It’s always Russia somewhere” I whisper to my 4th shot of morning vodka.

@thebeckyard

I was completely offended, but then you said “no offense,” so now everything’s cool.

@pro_worrier_

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

@CulturedRuffian

I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.

@TweetsByKaylee

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

@WigCannon

Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

@Angibangie

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

@causticbob

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.