I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
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Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.