My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
