My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Taco Bell, Exit 22
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?