My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
You Might Also Like
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
[gets pulled over for driving in the HOV lane alone] BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE BEETLEJUICE
[cop walks up] what the heck
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
weaknesses
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
*ernest hemingway voice*
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching