My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

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If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.


[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”


For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..


When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.


Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.


Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.


Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.


I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.


DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*