My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
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Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No