@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

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@WhatevaConc

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

@ericsshadow

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

@Emma_HumbleBea

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

@BuglegsMcWalshy

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.

@Squizbot

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

@SondraDeeMe

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*