My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
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A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.
We believe you.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.