My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
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It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”