Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

[first day as a spy]

Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.

Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/

the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?

My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.

I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.

When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

😭😭

There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.

“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand