My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
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if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.