My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
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Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…