Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

I recently took a pole

And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed

Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.

Are you there, bankrupt business? It’s me, Spirit Halloween.

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.

[date]

HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.

ME: Oh me too.

HER: Which part do you like best?

ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

NASA has no chill

Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!

*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*

And now we wait.

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

You can pirate a romance film but you can’t romance a pirate film. I ruined my copy of Hook that way.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back

Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.

my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda