My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
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In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
look bro it’s not gay, i just wanna sleep nestled into your arm because it allows me to angle my head at the perfect 37 degree angle that relieves my nasal congestion
is getting good sleep gay now
is it homosexual to be alert in normal daylight hours
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question