My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
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Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Midwest trash talk
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
The legends were true
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.