My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
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Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets