My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
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I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.