Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

[Fitbit commercial with me]

BEFORE: lazy guy

AFTER: lazy guy who had $129

*pokes sex life with a stick

Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

“Ok, let’s go now” 😂

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album

Me: [raises hand to hail cab]

*Catches random touchdown pass

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”

*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.

{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?

*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.

I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!

I aspire to be birds

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.

A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.