Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

ME: check out this cordless trimmer

BARBER: stop calling me that.

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?

Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?

God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.

Cashier: Want carry-out help?

Me: Please

*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes

Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.

Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.

(trying to convince my friends to hang out at wells fargo and drink the free coffee instead of going to bars to save money) it’s popping at the farg tonight!

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*

THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.

Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Surgeon: scalpel.

[patient hands him scalpel]

Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64