Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

work smarter, not harder

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands

If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg

Horse: I want to go home

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,

I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.

[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?

ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing

Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane

2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.

2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.

So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to