My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Blocking someone isn’t enough. I want their ibuprofen to always be on the highest shelf, and just out of reach.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.