My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
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Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Finally a use for spoilers…
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Ah yes. The three genders
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later