my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Don’t let the woman with a smile on her face fool you … Oikos High Protein Yogurt tastes like feet.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Alexa turn off the planet
weaknesses
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Bruh 😂
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date