my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
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Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!