Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.

The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Van Gogh: here you go

[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees

My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.

Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.

When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.

🛁

My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night

me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?

murderer: yeah sure sorry

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.