My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
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About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I had to Stop for this
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
who did the taste test?
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
The most accurate map ever devised.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”