Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.

The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Scientists: we have invented healthy food

Me: are you sure it’s healthy

Scientists: …no

Me: are you sure it’s food

Scientists: …no

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.

Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse

is this store having a stroke wtf

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow

Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

[shows her my bedroom]

And this is where the magic happens…

[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]

Saturday

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating

publisher: no

me: ok

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.