My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
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Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
All food is good if you spell it wrong
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
No better way for a child to learn how to spell than by having to save a man from hanging to death.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving fuckin crumb trails.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.