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[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Twitter is the new flypaper.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Science has enough bodies I’m donating mine to English lit just to spice things up a bit
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest