My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
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[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
