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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Realize this:
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.