Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.

I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

😂😂

Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–

[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

the three branches of government

I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.

*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.

This fish is cracking me up

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned

I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.

If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.

Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?

Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?

Her: No, thanks.

Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?

Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.

Me:🤦🏻‍♂️