My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
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me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help