Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE

Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit

What about second breakfast?

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo

Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.

Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.

So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap

Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.

No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.

Don’t ruin this for me!

My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight

When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.

the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces

That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.