Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.

I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again

A list of fun place names to ask an American to say:

-Worcestershire
-Leicestershire
-Gloucester
-Edinburgh
-Loughborough
-Southwark
-Marylebone
-Reading
-Cholmondeley
-Towcester
-Berwick
-Cirencester
-Salisbury
-High Wycombe
-Chiswick
-Leominster
-Ruislip

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.

But he hesitated.

A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)

Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.

Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.

My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Waitress: any questions about the menu?

Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?

call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today

My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.

In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.

alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂

[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]

me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off

I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*