Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day

Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime

My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining

🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring

One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.

happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him

*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently

Cat Burglar (noun)

: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice

🐈‍⬛😂🖤

Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?

ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Goodnight 🐶

My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.