my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
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Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
This is what makes twitter great
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
*pokes sex life with a stick
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.