What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..
But there are holes in your arguments.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
She said no!
*sobs tears of joy*
-me after proposing
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.