my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

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Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.


They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.


Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the glass of water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette


Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..

But there are holes in your arguments.


Wife: Where are you going?

Me: I’m wearing my robe and boxer briefs so obviously I’m off to fight crime


Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!


Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates


Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.