@molly7anne

my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids

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@Grommit56

Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.

@AndyHerald

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

@lecalabara

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

@jonnysun

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u

@jake_lach

My dealer texts to ask if I’m straight and I’m not even sure how that’s relevant to our arrangement

@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

@ElleOhHell

HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?

@TVsCarlKinsella

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

@RobocopLust

A is for apple
B is for bear
C is for candy
D is for your mom

@TheToddWilliams

[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear