Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.

Murder* documentaries**

[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst

Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs

I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.

Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but the worst thing you can do when you notice your kids are playing nicely together is telling them that you like how they’re playing nicely together.

Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.

You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this

wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse

doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-

*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*