My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
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she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.