Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

asking my bank if i can do extra credit

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.

*At the local breakfast restaurant

Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?

Me: Reese’s

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

Airport: come like 3 hours early

Ok what gate do I go to

Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.

This one takes the trophy 😭😭

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

[Hoth Rebel Base]

Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe

Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.

Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!

Her: Pork fried rice??

[God creating the octopus]

Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you

God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

technique

The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early

So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”