My fiance booked a helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon on Friday the 13th because he has apparently never seen final destination
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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I’ll do a psychic reading for you free of charge on account of I have no idea what I’m doing
So it turns out that all my early 20 something co-workers have been speculating behind my back that I was a teen mom, but I can’t even be mad about it because it means they thought I was 28.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
No one can handle that
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”