My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
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I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Worst Native American name ever.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
what the hell girl, sure
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
bears
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Just how popey was the pope today?
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.