Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

Kill them with kindness, you say?

*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*

Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.

It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.

Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?

I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

every. time.

Welcome to Twitter.

Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol

Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.

Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end

Toddler: *crawling across the desert*

Kind stranger: *offers water*

Toddler: No, red cup!

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.

Happy Halloween!