Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

#Caturday

3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.

Me:

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.

Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.

If you want my opinion ask my wife

Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

cashier: have a nice day

me: i got other plans, buddy

A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.

Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

Im at the swamp does anyone need anything