My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
23. the denim jacket
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.