Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”

[McDonald’s drive thru]

ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke

HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?

[sinking boat]

CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!

ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!

If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.

*points to Spanx*

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet

Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again

If you’re having a bad day I just want you to know I asked the paint guy at the counter for a gallon of “Menstrual Rose” when it was actually “Minstrel Rose” …so ya

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”

are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

Lmfao

[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

[Clown College]

Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-

Pennywise: *raising hand*

Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?

Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”