My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
This hospital has everything
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I bought wings for my employees today and one of them ate 20 wings and then resigned 20 minutes later. Fair play
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you