My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
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My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
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So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
#Caturday
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Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
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Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?