My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
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30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Everybody thinks “Free Hugs” signs are cute, unless you’re a boa constrictor.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: could I buy a noun
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ