My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
You Might Also Like
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad