My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
Reminds me of the old Steven Wright joke about a baby with a diary. “Day 1: Still tired from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I’m an idiot”
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire