My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
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My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
My flabber has been gasted.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.