My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.