My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
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Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
*gets down on one knee*
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
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Just take a day off
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you