My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
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Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
people keep asking my pregnant ass what my cravings are. when you ask me that question my craving becomes a gun and a double shot of whiskey
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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