My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
You Might Also Like
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Her: So, what are we thinking?
Him: Well, one of us is thinking, “I have a good idea,” and the other is thinking, “No, he doesn’t.”
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.