To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
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Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.